During a grief support group, a woman who had lost two brothers within a month of each other – one in a car accident, the other of a heart attack – expressed her frustration to the group, “I think I am doing okay and then I slide back.”
The group had been describing their grief journey, how long ago their loved one had died, and their reactions to this loss – physically, emotionally, and spiritually. They decided they wanted to know in what stage would the endless tears, loss of faith, sadness, overwhelming loneliness, and extreme exhaustion end. Illnesses are often explained in stages or phases. When the illness or disease is detected, the prognosis is labeled “stage 1” or “in the beginning phases”. We carry this measurement into grief. The stages of grief have become a part of our language and belief system. Our grief is thought of in terms of symptoms. We treat a symptom with medication, therapies, and we monitor the symptom, giving it a rating, better or worse. The idea, of course is that we will get better and the symptom will go away.
Grief does not go away; there is no cure because it is not an illness or a disease.
Grief is often described as a journey or a voyage. A journey that we have to take sooner or later if we have loved ones. This journey is ongoing; there are no wrong turns. There are difficult passages and with time the road becomes smoother, the path easier to walk, and our steps more certain. There are times when we take two steps forward and three steps back. Much like those grief reactions, one day we smile and in the middle of the smile we begin to remember and the memory brings tears. We decide to stay home or decline invitations to meet with family or friends, because we need to find comfort.
In making this journey several grief theorists (J. William Worden, Alan Wolfelt, and Theresa Rondo) have given us tasks to work through for a healthy journey. These are not often easy.
• First, acknowledge the reality of this death. This appears simple, but as we go through our day, we are reminded of that person, what roles they played in our life. Our head knows what our heart does not want to feel.
• Next, embrace all the reactions to death – anger, tearfulness, exhaustion – and know these are part of the journey and not a measure of grief. There is no measure to your loss. These reactions are not good or bad, they are a part of the grief journey. Each one of us experiences these in different degrees and intensities.
• Third, be willing to adjust to life without your loved one. We fight this leg of the journey, with every new task we take on that was theirs; we remember they are no longer here.
• Fourth, reinvest in your life. Some call this a new “life” or a new “movie”, a new “normal”. This task may take some time to brgin and it is ongoing.
• Next, remember your loved one – honestly – the good, the bad and the ugly. Honor all of them.
• Invite others on this journey. Someone who has had a similar loss may be a good guide on this pathway.
• Lastly, find times to honor your loved one – attend memorials or create spontaneous moments of remembrance. Look for what brings you comfort, peace and joy. Know that this will change as you travel on this journey.

Grief Care is the aftercare division for the families of Local Cremation in Dallas, Texas. For more information about individual grief counseling, please call our office at 214-343-4040.

Grief Care is the aftercare division for the families of Local Cremation in Dallas, Texas. For more information about individual grief counseling, please call our office at 214-343-4040.

Grief Care is the aftercare division for the families of Local Cremation in Dallas, Texas. For more information about individual grief counseling, please call our office at 214-343-4040.

Grief Care is the aftercare division for the families of Local Cremation in Dallas, Texas. For more information about individual grief counseling, please call our office at 214-343-4040.

Grief Care is the aftercare division for the families of Local Cremation in Dallas, Texas. For more information about individual grief counseling, please call our office at 214-343-4040.

We all have family traditions that define how we celebrate this time of year.  After the death of a loved one, the holiday season may not feel or look the same.  Traditions and rituals may bring a tear or sadness rather than joy or peace.

Our challenge becomes to find what brings us comfort in the midst of our mourning.  These tips may help as you find what works for you

1.  Begin with understanding that the holidays will be different this year.  Adjusting to life without your loved one can drain energy and increase emotional reactions.  Be prepared for a chain reaction of memories and emotions that may be triggered by a favorite song or cherished ornament.  Find a person, family or friend who can listen as you reminisce through your tears.

2.  Be kind to yourself by getting plenty of rest.  Grief brings on fatigue and limits your physical and emotional resources.

3.  Let your family  know what brings you comfort and peace.  Attending gatherings, parties, and get-togethers may bring more        discomfort.  After the loss of a loved one, it is usual for people to experience a sense of yearning or searching for the person who has died.  This creates some restlessness, not wanting to be alone yet, not wanting to be with anyone.

4.  Do what makes you comfortable, not what well-meaning friends or others think you should do.  Negotiate with family and friends about what gatherings you will attend and for how long.  We are all unique and our grief needs are unique.  You may find it helpful to take your own car so you can leave when you are ready, or stay if you choose.

5.  Talk to your family and discuss how you will observe the holidays this year.  Traditions can be very comforting.  You may wish to observe some family traditions and forgo others for now.  You can always pick them up again later.

6.   Consider a new tradition, in memory of your loved one.  Some families wrap and give each other mementoes or small reminders of their loved ones.

7.   Allow friends and family to help when they offer.  Learn to say “Yes”.

8.  Ask for help when you need it.  Let others say ‘Yes”.

9.   Take time for yourself.  Quite, introspective time allows you to find your inner strengths for coping.

10.  Lastly, set realistic goals for yourself.  And reserve the right to change your mind at the last minute.

Know that we do not get over grief, we go through grief.  Remember your loved one by sharing stories with your family, and remembering the gifts they brought to you that will always be with you.

written by: Valerie Sanchez, LMSW

GriefCare is the aftercare resource for clients of Local Cremation.